Vol. 2, No. 6 · 25¢ thefestivusproject.com

THE DAILY NOTHING

April 11, 1991 New York Final Edition
S02E06 · Season 2, Episode 6 of 180

The Statue

Jerry's grandfather's statue goes missing after Ray, an overzealous apartment cleaner, scrubs every surface and pockets the piece. George, who broke an identical statue as a child and never recovered, needs it back to redeem himself with his parents. Kramer dons a Dragnet outfit, intimidates Ray into surrendering the statue, then slaps George on the back — and he drops it again.

What's The Deal?

George's JobUnemployed
Elaine's JobPendant Publishing
Elaine's ThingPromotion depends on staying in good graces of Finnish author Rava
Kramer's SchemeImpersonates police detective to retrieve stolen statue
References
DragnetJoe Friday
Dark Turn
George drops and breaks the statue again after Kramer retrieves it

The Full Story

Kramer calls dibs on Jerry's late grandfather's effects, which went unclaimed by any relatives for years in storage. Kramer takes an outfit which makes him "look like Joe Friday in Dragnet", and a statue of a woman in a dress. George recognizes the statue as the same one he dropped and broke at home as a child, a disgrace that scarred him for life. George wrestles Kramer for the statue, and Jerry settles ownership by "ink-a-dink", secretly rigging it for George. George leaves the statue with Jerry to pick up later.

Jerry goes on a trip, leaving his apartment to be cleaned by Ray, the boyfriend of Elaine's friend Rava, a morbidly-disposed writer from Finland. Thanks to Rava, who will only let Elaine's company publish her manuscript if Elaine is editing, Elaine is due to be promoted to editor. While Ray is pompously grandiloquent, he impeccably scours every nook and cranny at Jerry's, even astonishingly removing the dish soap nozzle buildup. Jerry is so impressed that he visits Rava and Ray with Elaine.

During the visit, Jerry recognizes the statue on Ray's mantle. At a loss, he frantically confers with Elaine, who is anxious to stay in Rava's good graces. Jerry misses his chance to call Kramer to check at home.

Jerry's statue is indeed gone, but the police have no evidence to act on. George needs the statue back since he has already promised a surprise to his parents, while Kramer wants to retaliate. Jerry calls Ray, who asks to meet at Monk's discreetly. Ray acts clueless, unconvincingly claiming the statue came from a pawnshop whose owner left the country, while accusing Jerry of jealousy. George, increasingly infuriated as he eavesdrops, blows up and declares Ray guilty, but gets intimidated when Ray towers over him.

The next day, Rava and Elaine have a long elevator ride. Elaine, despite planning to be neutral, cannot help but find the circumstantial evidence against Ray compelling, starting a fight. Accused by Rava of jealousy, Elaine tells off Rava and throws out her manuscript, and loses the promotion. Everyone bitterly reconvenes at Jerry's as George's mother shuns him for losing the statue. As Ray admires the statue in private, Kramer, impersonating a police officer in his Joe Friday getup, browbeats Ray into submission with heinous charges as he nabs the statue. George gratefully reclaims the statue, but a hearty slap on the back from Kramer makes him drop and break it.