TV GUIDE

Jerry and George spend an entire evening decoding whether a woman's visit constitutes a date. She's engaged. ›

Rather than ask Elaine for a woman's phone number, Jerry stakes out her office building with George, who debuts the alias Art Vandelay. Elaine retaliates by staking out a financier of her own. ›

Kramer leaves Jerry's door open to borrow a spatula and forgets to come back, resulting in a robbery. The ensuing apartment hunt paralyzes Jerry, George, and Elaine until a waitress overhears and takes the place herself. ›

Jerry attempts to break up with a childhood friend the way you'd break up with a girlfriend, complete with "it's not you, it's me." George, meanwhile, gets dumped for telling his girlfriend he likes her. ›

George invests five thousand dollars on an insider stock tip from a man named Wilkinson, who is promptly hospitalized. Jerry's weekend getaway with Vanessa collapses when they run out of things to say by Saturday afternoon. ›

Jerry starts dating George's ex-girlfriend Marlene and discovers she has the same psychosexual hold on him that trapped George. George, meanwhile, wages war over a seventy-five dollar chiropractor bill and swallows a fly. ›

Jerry offends his elderly cousin Manya at her anniversary dinner by declaring that anyone who grew up with a pony is suspect. She dies the next day, and her funeral falls on his championship softball game. ›

Jerry buys an expensive suede jacket to impress Elaine's intimidating ex-military father, who forces them to walk five blocks in the snow. George cannot stop singing "Master of the House." ›

George leaves a series of escalating messages on a woman's answering machine, culminating in a full tirade that requires an emergency tape swap. Jerry breaks up with a woman who likes a Dockers commercial. ›

Jerry gets Elaine an apartment in his building for four hundred dollars a month and immediately regrets it. George borrows a wedding ring to attract women at a marathon brunch, then can't get it off. ›

A cleaning job yields Jerry's spotless apartment and a missing statue — the same one George broke as a child, scarring him for life. Kramer impersonates a police detective to retrieve it. ›

George quits his job in a tirade, tries to return on Monday as if nothing happened, and when that fails, plots to slip his boss a Mickey. Jerry loses fifteen hundred dollars in his laundry and Kramer retaliates with a bag of cement. ›

George is rushed to the hospital convinced he's having a heart attack, which turns out to be anxiety from a PBS documentary. Rather than pay for a tonsillectomy, he visits Kramer's holistic healer — who just got out of jail. ›

Jerry and Elaine establish rules for sleeping together without relationship drama — no next-day calls, no sleepovers, no goodnight kisses. Kramer upstages Jerry's birthday gift of a hundred and eighty-two dollars cash with a bench and a Yeats poem. ›

Elaine hosts a baby shower at Jerry's apartment for the woman who ruined George's favorite shirt with chocolate syrup and never apologized. George rehearses an explosive confrontation speech and delivers bootlicking instead. ›

Jerry, George, and Elaine wait for a table at a Chinese restaurant. The maitre d' seats everyone but them, George's girlfriend calls back as "Cartwright," and they leave just before their table is ready. ›

George accidentally gets a busboy fired by reporting a burning menu, then loses the man's cat and breaks his lamp during an apology visit. Elaine spends a week faking her period to survive a houseguest who won't leave. ›

Jerry gets free massages through a fraudulent dentist's note, which leads to an insurance fraud conviction for the dentist. George, assigned a male masseur, spends the episode questioning his own sexuality. ›

George tells his girlfriend the truth about why he's breaking up with her, and she checks herself into a depression clinic — along with Jerry's tax records. Kramer dates Elaine's roommate and turns the apartment into a construction zone. ›

Jerry accepts a neighbor's astronaut pen in his parents' Florida retirement community, triggering a gossip wildfire that ends in a fistfight at the condo president's honor ceremony. Elaine sleeps on a sofa bed so bad she can't travel home for five days. ›

A stranger on a plane guilt-trips Jerry into dog-sitting, and the dog proves hostile enough to cancel all of Jerry's plans for days. George and Elaine, forced to socialize without Jerry, discover they have nothing in common. ›

A library cop named Bookman hunts Jerry down over a twenty-year-old overdue copy of Tropic of Cancer. George discovers his high school gym teacher — the one who gave him wedgies — is now homeless and sleeping on the library steps. ›

The group is stranded in a mall parking garage searching for Kramer's car while Elaine's goldfish suffocate, George misses his parents' anniversary, and Jerry gets caught urinating behind a pillar. They finally find the car and it won't start. ›

George recruits Elaine to take an IQ test for him through a restaurant window, reprising his high school cheating technique. Jerry's well-meaning advice to a struggling Pakistani restaurateur to serve his native cuisine puts the man deeper in debt. ›

An anonymous woman leaves a sexual proposition on Jerry's tape recorder after a comedy set, and the discovery that it was Elaine leaves all three men fighting over the tape. George orders a Chinese baldness cure that smells so bad he covers it with a cowboy hat. ›

George can't stop fixating on his girlfriend's nose despite knowing she's out of his league, and Kramer suggests surgery to her face. Jerry dates a woman so beautiful his brain and penis play chess for control of his body. ›

George ditches Jerry and Elaine at a Long Island party to sleep with a coworker, and Kramer gets lost picking them up, stranding them until two in the morning. Jerry's polite invitation to the host backfires when the man shows up, calls an escort service, and gets Jerry arrested. ›

George takes over the neighborhood's alternate-side parking job and causes a gridlock that delays an ambulance, derails a Woody Allen shoot, and totals Jerry's rental car. Kramer lands one line in the movie — "These pretzels are making me thirsty" — and the whole group workshops it. ›

George buys Elaine a cashmere sweater with a barely visible red dot at a steep discount, and every single person who touches it spots the defect. Jerry accidentally hands his drink to Elaine's recovering-alcoholic boyfriend, triggering a relapse. ›

The group splits up on the subway and each has a terrible day — George is handcuffed to a bed and robbed, Elaine is trapped on a stalled train, Jerry befriends a naked man, and Kramer wins big at the track. Kramer pays for dinner. ›

Jerry places a Tweety Bird Pez dispenser on Elaine's knee during George's girlfriend's piano recital, and her uncontrollable laughter ruins the performance and the relationship. Kramer invents a beach-scented cologne that Calvin Klein calls idiotic. ›

Jerry dates his neighbor's girlfriend after the neighbor attempts suicide, and Newman immediately spots them together. George consults a psychic about his Cayman Islands vacation but she goes into labor before finishing her warning. ›

Jerry and Elaine set up George with Elaine's equally desperate friend Cynthia, then agree to share all inside information and immediately start lying to each other. Kramer distributes free condoms that turn out to be defective. ›

Jerry meets Keith Hernandez in a locker room and develops what amounts to a man-crush, agonizing over when to call and what to wear. George fabricates a job at Vandelay Industries as a latex salesman to keep his unemployment benefits. ›

George's Vandelay Industries scheme collapses when Kramer answers the phone honestly, and George faceplants out of the bathroom with his pants down. Elaine dumps Keith Hernandez because he smokes. ›

George impersonates a no-show passenger to steal a free limo ride with Knicks tickets, only to discover he's assumed the identity of a neo-Nazi leader on his way to give a speech. The group is held at gunpoint by white supremacists and surrounded by protesters. ›

Jerry witnesses a hit-and-run and plans to confront the driver until he discovers she's attractive, then dates her instead. George sleeps with a married woman because her husband never says "God bless you" when she sneezes. ›

Jerry's artist girlfriend sends him a passionate love letter that turns out to be word-for-word from the Neil Simon film Chapter Two. Elaine fakes a family emergency to skip her boss's event and gets photographed at Yankee Stadium instead. ›

George and Kramer's friend Mike both claim the same parking space — George backing in, Mike pulling forward — and the standoff lasts into the night with the entire neighborhood taking sides. Even two cops can't settle it because they disagree. ›

Jerry takes back his spare keys from Kramer after one too many unannounced intrusions, and the broken "covenant of the keys" sends Kramer to Los Angeles to pursue acting. He ends up on Murphy Brown. ›

Jerry brings George to Los Angeles for a Tonight Show appearance, and they discover Kramer has been identified as a serial killer called the Smog Strangler. George overdoes free hotel amenities while a real murder investigation unfolds. ›

Kramer returns to New York without fanfare, trades keys with Jerry, and resumes his old life as if nothing happened. The real Smog Strangler turns out to be the carjacker Jerry and George let escape from a police car. ›

NBC invites Jerry to pitch a TV show, and George talks him into a "show about nothing" — then walks out of the meeting defending his artistic integrity. Crazy Joe Davola kicks Kramer in the head and threatens to come after Jerry. ›

Kramer shows signs of brain damage after Davola's kick — shaving only one side of his face and randomly saying "Yo-Yo Ma." George is disappointed that NBC's pilot offer doesn't pay what Ted Danson makes. ›

George turns down the NBC pilot as a bluff to negotiate more money, and the network rescinds the offer entirely. Uncle Leo fishes Jerry's discarded watch out of the trash and wears it to dinner with Jerry's parents. ›

George barges into the NBC president's apartment to beg for the pilot back, and undercuts his own price just to make the man stop talking to him. Elaine unknowingly starts dating Crazy Joe Davola. ›

George and Susan visit a boy in a bubble for Jerry and get into a physical fight over whether the Trivial Pursuit answer is "Moors" or "Moops." Kramer burns down Susan's father's cabin with one of his own Cuban cigars. ›

George breaks the news to Susan's father that the Cuban cigars he gave George burned down the family cabin. Letters from John Cheever found in the ruins reveal Susan's father had a gay love affair with the novelist. ›

Crazy Joe Davola threatens to "put the kibosh" on Jerry, then shows up to the opera dressed as a Pagliacci clown to stalk both Jerry and Elaine. Kramer accidentally sells Davola a ticket and seats him right behind them. ›

Jerry and George have one day to write their NBC pilot and have no ideas. Jerry dates a virgin while Elaine takes it upon herself to educate the woman about sex, starting with men leaving right after. ›

George's mother catches him masturbating and throws out her back, prompting a bet over who can hold out the longest. Kramer is out within minutes. Elaine folds after John F. Kennedy Jr. joins her aerobics class. ›

Jerry rides first class while Elaine suffers in coach on the same flight — complimentary champagne and a model for him, a kosher meal and a stench-filled bathroom for her. George taunts a handcuffed convict over the last copy of Time magazine. ›

Elaine's Christmas card accidentally exposes her nipple to everyone she knows, and Jerry's model girlfriend dumps him for picking his nose at a traffic light. Calvin Klein scouts Kramer as an underwear model. ›

The group spends an entire evening trying and failing to see the same movie at the same theater at the same time. Everyone ends up watching a different film, and George can't break a twenty. ›

Jerry pretends to be miserably depressed so George's girlfriend won't find him funnier than George, and it works so well she falls for Jerry instead. Babu Bhatt gets deported because Elaine sat on his visa renewal. ›

George gets caught staring at the NBC president's teenage daughter's cleavage and the pilot is canceled again. Elaine sneezes on Dalrymple's pasta and has to seduce him in a low-cut dress to save the deal. ›

A journalism student overhears Elaine pranking Jerry and George by telling them to come out of the closet, and publishes a story outing them as a couple. The phrase "not that there's anything wrong with that" becomes everyone's reflexive disclaimer. ›

Jerry, George, and Elaine volunteer to visit the elderly and manage to ruin all three assignments in a single afternoon. Kramer and Newman start a side hustle hauling obsolete vinyl records that ends in a brawl at a used record shop. ›

Jerry sends Elaine to investigate whether his girlfriend Sidra has breast implants, and Elaine trips in the sauna and grabs them — they're real and "spectacular." George double-dips a chip at a funeral wake and starts a brawl. ›

Kramer drops a Junior Mint into a patient's open body cavity during surgery, and the doctors can't figure out why he's dying. Jerry can't remember his girlfriend's name and only knows it rhymes with a female body part. ›

A restaurant valet leaves body odor in Jerry's car so powerful that it infects everything it touches and survives professional cleaning. Susan has become a lesbian since dating George, which he takes as a compliment. ›

George parks his father's car in a handicap spot at the mall, and a mob destroys it after a wheelchair-using woman is injured taking the ramp. The Drake's engagement party gift — a big-screen TV — is donated to charity when the engagement falls apart. ›

Jerry and George's NBC pilot finally goes to production, but George develops a mysterious white spot on his lip that he's convinced is cancer. Crazy Joe Davola crashes the taping screaming "Sic semper tyrannis." ›

The Jerry pilot airs and the group watches it together, finally finding it funny. NBC's replacement president cancels the show without hesitation, and Russell Dalrymple drowns at sea on a Greenpeace mission to impress Elaine. ›

Elaine admits she faked every orgasm she ever had with Jerry, sending him into a spiral that ends with them agreeing to sleep together one more time to save their friendship. George's erection problems are cured by an exceptionally good mango. ›

Jerry unknowingly agrees to wear a ridiculous puffy pirate shirt on The Today Show after nodding along with Kramer's inaudible low-talking girlfriend. George gets scouted as a hand model, then burns both hands on a clothes iron. ›

George thinks he sees Jerry's girlfriend making out with Jerry's cousin Jeffrey, but he's wearing prescription swim goggles because someone stole his glasses at the gym. Kramer installs Jerry's air conditioner but doesn't secure it, and it falls out the window onto a dog. ›

Jerry, Kramer, and Newman suspect their accountant is snorting cocaine with their money after he keeps sniffing during conversation. Elaine dumps her boyfriend because he didn't use an exclamation point when writing down the message that a friend had a baby. ›

Jerry and Elaine are roped into being godparents and organizing a bris, where the mohel is so high-strung he accidentally circumcises Jerry's finger. Kramer is convinced the hospital is creating pig-men as part of a government conspiracy. ›

Jerry dates a deaf lineswoman from the US Open and enlists her lip-reading skills to spy on George's ex-girlfriend at a party. Kramer makes the ball boy squad as the only adult contender, then leaps into Monica Seles and reinjures her. ›

Everyone gets hooked on a non-fat frozen yogurt shop that turns out to be full of fat, and the ensuing scandal accidentally helps Rudy Giuliani win the mayoral election. George fakes a physical spasm to cover for mocking an old nemesis, then develops a real one. ›

George can't tell if he was hired or not after the interviewer got interrupted mid-sentence, so he just shows up and starts working. Jerry cheats on his barber of twelve years with the younger barber in the same shop. ›

Jerry's masseuse girlfriend refuses to give him a massage no matter how much he begs, but gladly works on Kramer. Elaine's boyfriend shares a name with serial killer Joel Rifkin, and the stadium PA announcement of his name terrifies everyone at the Giants game. ›

Jerry buys Elaine a cigar store Indian as an apology gift, then performs a tribal chant in front of her Native American friend. Kramer pitches a coffee table book about coffee tables and somehow gets Elaine assigned to work on it. ›

George converts to Latvian Orthodoxy to keep dating his girlfriend, only to have her move to Latvia for a year. The priests tell Kramer he possesses "the kavorka" — a quality that makes him irresistible to women — and force him to wear foul-smelling foods to repel a smitten nun. ›

Jerry's girlfriend refuses to spare Elaine a single square of toilet paper in a neighboring bathroom stall, launching a war of attrition. George becomes a groupie for Elaine's handsome but airheaded boyfriend Tony, a "mimbo," and drops him off a rock face. ›

The group splits up to buy wine and cake for a dinner party and everything goes wrong — they lose the last chocolate babka, George's Gore-Tex coat knocks over a wine display, and Jerry throws up from a black and white cookie. The double parker who traps them turns out to be a dead ringer for Saddam Hussein. ›

Jerry tells a woman George is a marine biologist, forcing George to maintain the lie until he has to save a beached whale in front of a crowd. He reaches into the blowhole and pulls out a Titleist golf ball that Kramer drove into the ocean. ›

Jerry watches his girlfriend's father Poppie knead pizza dough without washing his hands after using the bathroom, and refuses to eat when the pizza arrives. George guards a suit for days waiting for it to go on sale, then loses his job interview because the pants squeak. ›

Jerry's comedy act is so funny that a hospitalized friend literally dies laughing. Kramer talks his little-person friend Mickey into wearing lifts on the set of All My Children, sparking a heightening scandal among the stand-ins. ›

Jerry and his girlfriend pretend to be married for a dry cleaning discount, then get a pretend divorce when she finds another woman's laundry in his hamper. Kramer falls asleep on a tanning bed and shows up to meet his Black girlfriend's parents looking like he's in blackface. ›

Jerry counts down the days until his parents leave for Paris so he can see his girlfriend, but Elaine's boyfriend Aaron — a "close talker" — keeps whisking them away on outings. George sells his father's clothes and tells the buyer Frank is dead for an extra twenty-five dollars. ›

Newman catches Jerry and Rachel making out during Schindler's List and tattles to both sets of parents. Morty cancels the Paris trip to chase down his scattered raincoats, and the Seinfelds come home to find their house robbed through the window Jack Klompus smashed. ›

George discovers a small grease fire at a children's birthday party, starts a panic, and tramples the kids, his girlfriend, her elderly mother, and the clown to escape alone. Kramer gets a coworker's severed toe to the hospital by fighting off a gunman and driving a runaway bus. ›

George's girlfriend walks in on him changing after a swim and laughs at his cold-water shrinkage, then tells everyone. Kramer steals lobsters from a commercial trap and gets sentenced to trash pickup duty. ›

George decides that every instinct he has is wrong and starts doing the opposite of everything, which gets him a girlfriend, a job with the Yankees, and his own apartment. Elaine's life collapses in the exact inverse — she loses her job, her boyfriend, and her apartment. ›

Jerry dumps hotel ice water on his date's trained doves the night before Miss America, not knowing they're her talent act. George convinces the Yankees to switch from polyester to cotton uniforms, which shrink in the wash. ›

George pays for Elaine's big salad but his girlfriend hands it to her and takes the credit, and he can't let it go. Kramer plays golf with a former baseball star who then murders his dry cleaner, and drives him down the New Jersey Turnpike in a white Ford Bronco. ›

Jerry cashes his grandmother's birthday checks and overdraws her bank account, sending her wandering the city looking for a branch that closed years ago. Mr. Pitt eats a Snickers bar with a knife and fork, starting a citywide trend. ›

George's phone line gets crossed with a woman named Donna Chang, who turns out to be a white woman exploiting her misleading last name for Confucian credibility. Frank Costanza's mysterious caped companion turns out to be his lawyer. ›

Poppie sits on Jerry's new couch and has an accident, ruining it on the first day. George needs to read Breakfast at Tiffany's for his girlfriend's book club but tracks down a stranger's VHS copy and watches the movie at their house instead. ›

Jerry dates a Romanian Olympic gymnast expecting acrobatic sex, but she considers her flexibility "only useful in gymnastics." George gets caught eating an eclair out of his girlfriend's mother's trash and exits a bathroom shirtless at her party. ›

Kenny Bania gives Jerry an Armani suit with false charity, then holds him hostage for a dinner that never quite counts as a meal because soup isn't dinner. George asks out a waitress at Monk's and gets banned from the restaurant. ›

George buys a car he's told belonged to Jon Voight, but the owner's manual says "John Voight" — and Voight himself bites Kramer when confronted. Jerry knocks a trophy out a window that pops the Woody Woodpecker parade balloon onto Mr. Pitt. ›

George hires a plain secretary so he won't be tempted, sleeps with her immediately, and promises her a raise during sex that ends up making her salary higher than his. Kramer writes Uma Thurman's phone number on Jerry's dry cleaning ticket, then loses it. ›

Jerry won a high school race only because of an accidental head start, and has protected his legend by refusing to race again for twenty years. Duncan Meyer demands a rematch, and Kramer's car backfire gives Jerry another head start. ›

Jerry proposes a menage a trois to switch from his girlfriend to her roommate, expecting to get dumped — but both women say yes. Kramer's first name is finally revealed as "Cosmo" when his estranged mother shouts it. ›

Jerry gives his Super Bowl tickets to Tim Whatley, who re-gifts Elaine's label maker back to Jerry. Kramer and Newman play a Risk game so intense they carry the board onto the subway, where a Ukrainian man flips it. ›

George's friend Gary faked having cancer, got a toupee from the sympathy, and used it to pick up women — so Jerry rips the toupee off his head. Newman is revealed as the city's most prolific parking scofflaw, a one-eyed cop's White Whale. ›

A clip show celebrating the series' 100th episode. Jerry introduces highlights and memorable moments from the first five seasons. ›

The second half of the 100th-episode clip show, continuing the highlights reel from the series' most memorable moments. ›

Elaine tries to convert her gay boyfriend to heterosexuality and fails. Jerry cracks under polygraph questioning about Melrose Place, revealing strong opinions on controversial plot developments. ›

Kramer puts everyone's photo in the building lobby so neighbors can greet each other by name, and Jerry gets ostracized for refusing to kiss hello. Uncle Leo puts Nana in a nursing home to stop her from talking about the fifty dollars he owes. ›

A hostile doorman guilts Jerry into covering his post, then a couch gets stolen from the lobby on Jerry's watch. Kramer invents a male bra — "the Bro" or "the Mansiere," depending on whom you ask — after discovering Frank Costanza has large breasts. ›

Jimmy always refers to himself in the third person, which confuses everyone into thinking he's talking about someone else. Kramer gets mistaken for a mentally handicapped adult and honored at a charity benefit where Mel Torme serenades him. ›

George's girlfriend draws an ugly caricature of him, then insists looks don't matter to her — which he takes as confirmation that she thinks he's ugly. Jerry's apartment gets infested with fleas traced to Newman's Chunky Bar wrapper habit. ›

Elaine discovers her new boyfriend David Puddy is using Jerry's signature sex move, stolen from when Puddy was Jerry's mechanic. Frank Costanza falls rear-first onto a fusilli pasta sculpture of Jerry. ›

Jerry accidentally approves a dangerous drug combination for Mr. Pitt after being mistaken for a pharmacist, getting Elaine cut from his will and fired. Kramer makes gambling bets on flight arrival times at an airport lounge using Son of Sam's mail bag as collateral. ›

David Puddy paints his face for the Devils playoff game and a priest thinks he's seen the actual devil. George tells his girlfriend he loves her, but she can't hear out of her left ear. ›

The season finale wraps up the Bette Midler saga as Gennice takes the stage in Rochelle Rochelle but breaks down over her boot laces. Elaine starts her new job at J. Peterman's catalog. ›

George and Jerry make a pact to change their lives, so George proposes to his ex-girlfriend Susan Ross while Jerry breaks up with someone for eating peas one at a time. Kramer, Newman, and Elaine dognap a barking Yorkshire Terrier and get arrested when the dog finds its way home carrying a piece of Kramer's shirt. ›

George tries to postpone his wedding, breaks down crying instead, and Susan — touched by his honesty — agrees to push it to spring. Elaine confides her jealousy to a neighborhood rabbi who broadcasts every detail on his cable TV show, including George's hypothetical about prostitutes and engagement. ›

George gets a security guard a rocking chair at Susan's uncle's store and the guard sleeps through a robbery. Kramer settles his coffee burn lawsuit for unlimited free coffee, cutting off Jackie Chiles before Java World can offer money. ›

A grapefruit squirts George in the eye, causing an involuntary wink that Mr. Wilhelm reads as insinuation, setting off a chain that gets a coworker fired and George promoted. Jerry hides mutton in Holly's cloth napkins, Elaine borrows the jacket, and dogs chase her across the city. ›

Jerry obsesses over getting marathon runner Jean-Paul to the race on time after he overslept and missed the Olympics, but Kramer's new hot tub heat pump causes a power outage that kills every alarm clock in Jerry's building. George picks up affectionate Texan swearing at work and teaches Jean-Paul to call people bastards. ›

The Soup Nazi runs his soup stand with authoritarian precision — one wrong move and you're banned. Elaine gets exiled for a year, but finds his recipes hidden in an armoire Kramer got from him, and threatens to publicize them, causing him to close up shop and flee to Argentina. ›

George reveals his ATM code — "Bosco" — to J. Peterman's dying mother, who seizes on the word as her last utterance, leaving Peterman bewildered and eventually accusing George of murder in the catalog. Kramer rides the tiller of a fire truck and crashes it into the street. ›

George's "worlds are colliding" when Elaine and Jerry start hanging out with Susan, threatening to kill Independent George. Kramer's phone number is one digit off from Moviefone, so he starts impersonating Mr. Moviefone and giving out showtimes from the newspaper. ›

Elaine hoards 60 contraceptive sponges after they're taken off the market and subjects her boyfriend to a rigorous examination to determine if he's "sponge-worthy." Kramer refuses to wear an AIDS ribbon at the walk and gets beaten up by ribbon bullies. ›

Everyone tiptoes around Lloyd Braun after his nervous breakdown, forcing Jerry to wear blinding glasses to maintain a lie and accidentally hand Lloyd a $100 bill. George's car catches fire thanks to Pop's tinkering, and the disconnected fire hose can't stop it. ›

Frank Costanza takes back his marble rye after the Rosses don't serve it at dinner, so George orchestrates a scheme to sneak a replacement loaf into their apartment using Kramer as a hansom cab driver and Jerry with a fishing pole. Jerry mugs an old woman for the last marble rye at the bakery. ›

George locks his keys in his car at Yankee Stadium and accidentally convinces everyone he's working around the clock, leading Steinbrenner to declare him dead when he can't be found on vacation. Kramer and Jackie Chiles sue Sue Ellen Mischke over a car crash caused by her wearing a bra as a top. ›

George wants to name his future child Seven after Mickey Mantle, but Susan's pregnant cousin steals the name. Newman adjudicates a King Solomon-style dispute between Elaine and Kramer over a vintage bicycle. ›

Jerry buys his parents a Cadillac, which triggers impeachment proceedings against his father Morty at the condo board when Jack Klompus accuses him of embezzlement. George learns that Marisa Tomei is his type and becomes obsessed with getting her number while engaged to Susan. ›

The impeachment vote hinges on Mabel Choate, the same woman Jerry stole a marble rye from — who ultimately remembers, flips her vote, and forces Morty out. George gets punched twice: once by Marisa Tomei for being engaged, once by Susan for the importer-exporter lie. ›

Low-flow showerheads drive Jerry, Kramer, and Newman to the black market for Yugoslavian replacements, while Elaine tests positive for opium because of the poppy seeds in her muffins. Jerry's parents flee Del Boca Vista when the Costanzas threaten to move in. ›

Jerry carries a massive wedding gift on a plane for Susan's roommate Sally Weaver, only to find it contains a tiny welcome mat that Sally — a FedEx executive — could have just shipped. Frank Costanza converts George's bedroom into a billiard room and loses his mind over a doll that looks like Estelle. ›

Jerry accidentally takes a Friars Club jacket and Kramer gets it dirty, launching a saga involving magicians, a lost jacket, and a ruined double date. Kramer tries polyphasic sleep, passes out on his girlfriend, and gets dumped in the Hudson River. ›

A ponytailed sales clerk named Craig flirts with Elaine to string her along with a fake discount on a Nicole Miller dress, and Kramer gets arrested dressed as a pimp. George discovers prostitutes are using his car at a discount parking lot. ›

Steinbrenner gets hooked on George's calzones and George becomes his right-hand man, until Paisano's bans him for appearing to steal from the tip jar. Kramer starts wearing only dryer-warm clothes and eventually puts them in a pizza oven. ›

Elaine overbids on JFK's golf clubs at Sotheby's after a bidding war with Sue Ellen Mischke, and the clubs end up in Jerry's car — which gets stolen by his mechanic Tony. Newman and Kramer load a mail truck with bottles for the Michigan deposit refund. ›

Kramer dumps bottles, mailbags, and Newman himself out of the truck to chase Jerry's stolen car across Ohio, while Tony hurls JFK's golf clubs at him. Newman makes himself at home at a farmhouse and has to flee after seducing the farmer's daughter. ›

George's offhand joke breaks up a married couple, and Jerry and Elaine immediately position themselves to date the newly single halves. Kramer's impossibly tight jeans leave him unable to sit, which terrifies a child into thinking he's Frankenstein's monster. ›

The season finale kills off Susan Ross — she dies from licking the toxic adhesive on the cheap wedding invitations George picked out. Jerry proposes to a woman who is his exact clone, immediately regrets it, and the tables turn: Jerry's engaged, George is free. ›

Susan's parents create a foundation in her memory and trap George on the board, robbing him of the bachelorhood he just regained. Peterman flees to Myanmar and leaves Elaine in charge, where her first cover feature is the urban sombrero. ›

George hides a tape recorder at a foundation board meeting and gets back a recording of horrified screams and a loud thud, which the board blames on a dropped chair. Kramer falls in love with Jerry's girlfriend and enlists Newman as his Cyrano. ›

Elaine discovers a Bizarro world of kind, considerate friends who are the exact opposite of Jerry, George, and Kramer — complete with a reverse apartment and a Bizarro Superman statue. Jerry dates a woman with man-hands and Kramer accidentally gets a corporate job. ›

Elaine's horrifying dance at a company party destroys her employees' respect, but her warning to Anna to stay away from George makes him irresistible as a "bad boy." Jerry gets drafted into bootlegging movies at gunpoint. ›

Elaine's medical chart labels her "difficult" and no doctor in the city will see her, while Newman grills Jerry on suspicion of mail fraud in a Basic Instinct parody. George poses for seductive photos that end up in a mail-order pornography investigation. ›

Elaine can't fire a gruff mailroom employee in fatigues, so she promotes him twice instead, causing all her writers to quit in protest. Frank Costanza is haunted by memories of food-poisoning his army unit in Korea. ›

Twelve-cent royalty checks from a Japanese TV show pile up, Elaine's boyfriend treats "Desperado" like a sacred personal anthem, and Kramer takes Japanese tourists on a spending spree with money he thinks is worth much more than it is. ›

Kenny Rogers Roasters opens across from Jerry's building with a giant neon chicken that bathes Kramer's apartment in red light, forcing an apartment swap — and Kramer gets addicted to the chicken while Jerry starts acting like Kramer. ›

Sexual abstinence turns George into a genius while having the opposite effect on Elaine, who can barely form sentences. George uses his superbrain to prep a school assembly, then loses it all to a Portuguese waitress. ›

George loses an apartment to an Andrea Doria survivor and argues to the tenant board that his life has been worse — only to have the apartment swiped by Elaine's date, a serial bad-breaker-upper. Kramer refuses to see a doctor and starts acting like a dog. ›

Kramer buys a rooster named Little Jerry Seinfeld and enters it in a cock fight to get a bodega owner to take down Jerry's bounced check. George dates a prison inmate because she can't "pop in" unexpectedly. ›

Jerry's parents sell their Cadillac to give him money after he bounced a check, so Jerry flies to Florida and buys it back from Jack Klompus for $14,000 — who then drives it into a swamp. George learns his parents have money but accidentally inspires them to spend it all. ›

George flies to Akron to deliver the perfect comeback to a coworker who insulted his shrimp-eating — "the Jerk Store called" — and gets immediately topped. Elaine falls for a mysterious video store clerk who turns out to be 15. ›

Kramer accidentally flashes a street gang's sign — eight fingers for Martin Van Buren, the eighth president — and George gives a Susan Ross Foundation scholarship to an underachiever who wants to be an architect, fulfilling his own dream. ›

A coworker calls Elaine "Susie," and instead of correcting her, Elaine ends up maintaining a fictional second identity that gets her own assignments, a memorial service, and eventually a foundation. George's answering machine is a sung parody of the Greatest American Hero theme. ›

Jerry knocks his girlfriend's toothbrush into the toilet and she uses it before he can tell her, launching a germaphobic spiral that ends with him throwing away everything he owns. Kramer adopts a mile of highway and repaints it from four lanes to two extra-wide ones. ›

Elaine hates The English Patient so vocally that it alienates everyone in her life, gets her nearly fired, and ends with Peterman sending her to live in a cave in Tunisia. George becomes obsessed with a woman's boyfriend because they look alike. ›

George builds a secret bed inside his desk at Yankee Stadium so he can nap at work, but Steinbrenner sits in his office waiting for him and won't leave — so Jerry calls in a bomb threat. Kramer starts swimming in the East River. ›

George's girlfriend uses "yada yada yada" to skip over important parts of stories, including what she did with her ex-boyfriend last night. Tim Whatley converts to Judaism and starts making Jewish jokes immediately, offending Jerry as a comedian. ›

The Mets secretly recruit George, but he needs to get fired from the Yankees first — every attempt to sabotage himself backfires into praise, until he drags a World Series trophy through the parking lot and Mr. Wilhelm takes the blame. ›

George wears a tourist's abandoned clothes, gets mistaken for a visitor from Arkansas, and rides the lie into a date — until Steinbrenner calls Tyler Chicken's CEO and offers to trade George for free concessions. Elaine opens a muffin-top-only store but can't get rid of the stumps. ›

George gets a three-month severance from the Yankees and never leaves his apartment or changes out of his pajamas, atrophying his legs so badly that he slips on an invitation and ends up in the hospital. Kramer accidentally wins a Tony Award. ›

George fakes a disability at his new job after his cane from the Summer of George convinces Play Now he's handicapped — they give him his own bathroom and eventually a mobility scooter. Kramer shaves with butter, falls asleep in the sun, and smells so good that Newman tries to eat him. ›

Play Now can't fire George because of his contract, so they move him to a derelict office, spike his food, and barricade his door — he keeps showing up every day. Jerry chooses doing a talking-stomach voice over keeping his girlfriend. ›

Frank Costanza screams "Serenity now!" as a rage-management technique and hires George and Lloyd Braun as competing computer telemarketers — George buys dozens of computers himself to win, stores them in Kramer's apartment, and Kramer destroys them all. Jerry expresses real emotions for the first time and proposes to Elaine. ›

George integrates a pastrami sandwich into his sex life and ends up eating, watching TV, and having sex simultaneously until his girlfriend dumps him. Kramer stores his own blood at home to avoid bank fees, and when Jerry accidentally stabs himself in the jugular, the three pints save his life. ›

Kramer wages war on junk mail by bricking up his mailbox and is abducted by the Postmaster General, who forces him to accept delivery. George's parents cut him loose, so he sexually propositions his cousin to force them back into his life. ›

Kramer finds the set of The Merv Griffin Show in a dumpster, rebuilds it in his apartment, and hosts a full talk show with Newman as sidekick. Jerry drugs his girlfriend with nighttime cold medicine so he and George can play with her vintage toy collection while she sleeps. ›

George spots himself in the background of a beach photo on his new boss Kruger's wall — from a 1989 trip where George screamed at Kruger's kids and threw their boombox in the ocean. Kramer buys a meat slicer and accidentally becomes a dermatologist. ›

Told entirely in reverse chronology, the gang flies to India for Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding, which collapses when George loudly repeats that Elaine slept with the groom. Kramer spends the episode trying to undo a birthday wish for him to drop dead. ›

George demands a Step 9 apology from a recovering alcoholic who once refused to lend him a sweater because it would stretch the neck — the guy refuses because he meant it. Jerry's girlfriend walks around his apartment naked in nonsexual contexts, which is great until she coughs. ›

Frank Costanza invented Festivus as an alternative to Christmas — aluminum pole, airing of grievances, feats of strength. George distributes donation cards for "The Human Fund," a charity that doesn't exist, and his boss writes a company check to it. ›

Jerry tries to buy a car through Puddy's insider deal, but Elaine and Puddy's breakup mid-negotiation turns his discount into full markup. George spends the entire episode at war with a mechanic over a stolen Twix bar from a vending machine. ›

Kramer and Newman reverse their peepholes to spot ambushes inside their apartments, and the resulting chain of events ends with the super attacking Joe Mayo with a sock full of pennies. George's wallet is so overstuffed it gives him back pain, but the massage chair meant to fix it is too good to give away. ›

Sally Weaver turns Jerry's private criticism of her acting into a sold-out one-woman show called "Jerry Seinfeld, the Devil," using every cease-and-desist as fresh material. George dates a woman who looks exactly like Jerry and flees when she cuts her hair to match his. ›

George tries to cheat on his girlfriend to force a breakup, but both women agree to a polyamorous arrangement. Kramer hides his strongbox key in a neighbor's parrot food dish, the parrot chokes on it and dies, and the neighbor blames Jerry. ›

George tells Susan's parents he's buying a house in the Hamptons to dodge a foundation event, and when they find out he's lying, neither side will break first — he drives them all the way to the tip of Long Island. Elaine can't figure out if her boyfriend is Black or white, and neither can he about her. ›

Elaine discovers Puddy's car radio is set to all Christian rock stations, and when he confirms he's religious but doesn't care that she's going to Hell, she drags him to a priest — who informs them they're both going to Hell for premarital sex. George masters the art of leaving on a high note. ›

Jerry catches Uncle Leo shoplifting at Brentano's and rats him out to security, only to discover Leo has a prior conviction and now faces jail. George takes a book into the bookstore bathroom, gets flagged, and can't return it, donate it, or give it away. ›

George discovers his legendary Frogger high score still exists in the machine at their closing pizza parlor and buys the cabinet — but he has to keep it plugged in during the move or lose everything. Elaine eats a $29,000 slice of cake from King Edward VIII's wedding. ›

Jerry sleeps with his maid, she stops cleaning but keeps taking the money, and he realizes the arrangement could be considered prostitution. George tries to get the workplace nickname "T-Bone" but ends up as "Koko" after a gorilla-like tantrum. ›

The gang gets stuck in Puerto Rican Day Parade traffic and splits up — George goes to a movie to repeat his one funny comment, Elaine gets lost under the bleachers, and Kramer accidentally sets a Puerto Rican flag on fire. Jerry, George, and Kramer all end up in the same apartment-for-sale under three different aliases. ›

Clip show. Jerry breaks the fourth wall to walk through nine years of memories while Kramer and George yell at him to hurry up so they don't miss the movie previews. ›

Clip show, Part 2. The retrospective continues with more highlights, bloopers, and behind-the-scenes footage from nine seasons. ›

NBC gives Jerry and George their pilot, they celebrate with a private jet to Paris, the plane makes an emergency landing in a small Massachusetts town — and they watch a man get carjacked while cracking jokes instead of helping. They're arrested under a Good Samaritan law. ›

The trial becomes a parade of every person the gang wronged over nine seasons — the Soup Nazi, Babu Bhatt, the Bubble Boy, Sidra, Mr. Bookman, the Rosses — and the jury convicts them. They go to prison. ›