Vol. 6, No. 10 · 25¢ thefestivusproject.com

THE DAILY NOTHING

December 15, 1994 New York Final Edition
S06E10 · Season 6, Episode 10 of 180

The Race

Jerry's legendary high school track victory was actually the product of an accidental head start that nobody noticed, and he's preserved the myth by refusing to race his rival Duncan Meyer ever since — until Duncan threatens to fire Jerry's girlfriend Lois if he won't agree to a rematch, and Kramer's car backfire gives Jerry yet another false start that the crowd mistakes for the pistol. George gets rumored to be a communist at the Yankees after responding to a personal ad from the Daily Worker, and Steinbrenner is thrilled because it means they can scout Cuban players — leading to George meeting Fidel Castro, who rambles exactly like Steinbrenner. Kramer gets hired as a department store Santa, starts spreading communist propaganda to the children, and gets fired.

What's The Deal?

Jerry's GirlfriendLoisWorks for Jerry's high school rival Duncan Meyer
George's JobNew York Yankees
George's LiePretends to have witnessed Jerry's legendary high school track victory
Elaine's BoyfriendNed the communistHe's a communist
Elaine's JobPersonal assistant to Justin Pitt
Elaine's ThingDelighted to date a communist
Kramer's SchemeWorks as a department store Santa, spreads communist propaganda to children
References
SupermanLois LaneDaily WorkerFidel CastroSuperman references with girlfriend named Lois

The Full Story

Jerry is excited to be dating a woman named Lois, the same name as Lois Lane, as it gives him ample opportunity to do Superman impersonations. Lois works for Duncan Meyer, his high school rival. In a track race in ninth grade, Jerry got an inadvertent head start that nobody noticed, allowing him to win by a wide margin. Jerry's speed became legendary, but Duncan always suspected him of cheating, since he had outraced Jerry several times before. Jerry protected his legacy by refusing to race again.

Lois arranges lunch at Monk's with her, Jerry, and Duncan; Jerry realizes Lois does not believe his claim that he legitimately won the race, so George volunteers to turn up at Monk's, pretend he has not seen Jerry since high school, and back up his winning story. Duncan is unconvinced, and demands that Jerry race him again, even threatening to fire Lois if he declines. Duncan calls up everyone from high school to come out for the race, and Jerry gets worried the legend will die. As the race is about to begin, Kramer's car backfires; Jerry (and the watching crowd) mistakes that for the starter's pistol, while Duncan waits for the real gun, giving Jerry another head start. Jerry wins the race, again by a wide margin.

Elaine complains about her Chinese food delivery and refuses it, causing her to be blacklisted from Hop Sing's. George notes to Elaine that Ned, her new boyfriend, has a copy of the Daily Worker, which prompts suspicion of Ned being a communist. George is intrigued by one of the personal ads, which remarks, "Appearance not important." Ned admits to Elaine he is a communist, to her delight.

At Yankee Stadium, George receives a call from Natalie, the personal ad girl. His secretary, Ada, overhears the conversation and suspects George of communist sympathies. The rumor that George is a communist spreads to Steinbrenner, who is delighted: with a communist working for the Yankees, they can scout Cuban baseball players for the team.

Mickey gets Kramer a job as Santa Claus at Coleman's department store, with Mickey as his elf. At Coleman's, Ned gets Kramer interested in communism. Against Mickey's objections, Kramer (as Santa) tries to educate a child on communist beliefs and is accused of spreading communist propaganda; Kramer and Mickey are subsequently fired. Ned insists on ordering dinner from Hop Sing's, as his father spent much of his time at the restaurant after being blacklisted. When the delivery man sees Elaine there, he blacklists Ned from the restaurant.

A week later in Cuba, George meets with Fidel Castro who lets him recruit any players and invites him to a luxurious dinner due to his supposed communist leanings. However, Castro, much like Steinbrenner, rambles on about trivialities and George quietly exits.