Vol. 7, No. 20 · 25¢ thefestivusproject.com

THE DAILY NOTHING

April 25, 1996 New York Final Edition
S07E20 · Season 7, Episode 20 of 180

The Calzone

George brings Steinbrenner a calzone and accidentally creates an addiction that makes him the boss's trusted advisor — until the restaurant owner catches him fishing his own tip out of the jar and bans him for life, forcing him to pay Newman to pick up calzones on his mail route. Kramer becomes addicted to wearing clothes fresh from the dryer, runs out of quarters, and escalates to heating his clothes in Paisano's pizza oven, where they catch fire — and the smell of burnt restaurant clothes wafts into Steinbrenner's office, inspiring him to heat up the Yankees' uniforms the same way. Elaine goes to dinner with a man named Todd Gack who uses lost bets as a way to get dates without the risk of rejection, and Jerry exploits his gorgeous girlfriend Nicki's ability to get anything she wants until Todd sees Nicki and steals her.

What's The Deal?

Jerry's GirlfriendNickiUses her attractiveness to get anything she wants
George's GirlfriendSusan Ross
George's JobAssistant to the traveling secretary, Yankees
Elaine's BoyfriendTodd GackUses spurious bets to get dates without asking her out
Elaine's JobJ. Peterman Catalog
Kramer's SchemeHeats clothes in Paisano's pizza oven, they catch fire
References
Dustin HoffmanStar WarsPetula Clark"Downtown" (song)

The Full Story

Steinbrenner becomes intrigued by George's lunch, a calzone, during a meeting. George allows him to try it. Steinbrenner then has George bring him a calzone for lunch every day, allowing George to effectively become his right hand advisor. Frustrated that the Paisano's restaurant owner happens to look away when he puts money into the tip jar two days in a row, George tries to fish out his money. The owner turns and, thinking George is stealing money from the jar, bans him from the shop. George tries unsuccessfully to persuade Steinbrenner to switch to something different for lunch. So that he can stay in Steinbrenner's good graces, George makes a deal with Newman, whose mail route brings him past Paisano's every day, to obtain the calzones in exchange for George footing the entire bill.

Elaine is taken out to dinner by Todd Gack because he lost a bet with her that Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars. Jerry believes the bet was spurious, a way of getting a date with Elaine without having to ask her out (and therefore risk being rejected). Todd offers to sell Jerry some Cuban cigars, allowing him to go out to dinner with Elaine again in order to deliver them, but they turn out to be from Peru. Todd continues to insist he is not dating Elaine, even after he takes her to dinner with his parents.

Jerry takes advantage of his beautiful girlfriend Nicki's ability to get anything she wants, including convincing a cop to not give him a speeding ticket, by asking her to convince Todd he shouldn't have to pay for the cigars. However, when Todd sees Nicki he winds up wheedling a dinner with her, leaving Elaine feeling she has been dumped. Nicki subsequently breaks up with Jerry, although she continues to request favors from him.

Kramer begins wearing only clothes that have come straight out of the dryer, because the warmth is comfortable. When he runs out of quarters for the dryer, he turns to using ovens to warm his clothing.

To George's frustration, Newman calls in sick and does not go to work because it is raining (despite the postman's creed). George asks Kramer to get him a calzone. Kramer gets wet in the rain, so he puts his clothes in the pizza oven at Paisano's, and they get burned. He tries to pay for the calzones with small change, and is turned away. Kramer goes to George's office to tell him what happened and drops his burnt clothes by a vent. In desperation, George goes to purchase calzones from a different restaurant. The restaurant smell from Kramer's clothes wafts into Steinbrenner's office, and he runs to George's office, thinking he has calzones. Steinbrenner realizes the smell is from the clothes. He is inspired to heat up the Yankees' clothes using the same method, distracting him from the lack of calzones.

Kramer pays for the Peruvian cigars with his change.