Vol. 8, No. 5 · 25¢ thefestivusproject.com

THE DAILY NOTHING

October 17, 1996 New York Final Edition
S08E05 · Season 8, Episode 5 of 180

The Package

Elaine discovers her medical chart labels her as "difficult," and the notation follows her to every new doctor in the city — she sends Kramer in disguised as "Dr. Van Nostrand" to steal the file, but he fumbles the cover story and gets his own chart opened. Kramer smashes Jerry's out-of-warranty stereo and mails it in an insured package to claim transit damage, but Jerry refuses delivery of the suspicious package, Uncle Leo accepts it instead, and Newman interrogates Jerry for mail fraud in a scene-for-scene Basic Instinct parody. George misreads a lingerie photo mixed in with his prints as a come-on from the photo clerk Sheila, Kramer convinces him to respond with seductive pictures of himself, and the male coworker who develops them adds his own racy photo — all of which Newman confiscates as evidence of a pornography ring.

What's The Deal?

George's GirlfriendSheila
George's JobAssistant to the traveling secretary, Yankees
Elaine's JobJ. Peterman Catalog
Elaine's ThingMedical chart labels her as difficult, follows her to every doctor
Kramer's SchemeSmashes Jerry's stereo to claim insurance fraud
References
Basic InstinctAstronaut penDr. Van Nostrand alias

Based on: Basic Instinct interrogation scene

The Full Story

While consulting her doctor about a rash, Elaine notices that her medical chart notes her as "difficult". When Elaine objects to the description, he dismisses her without examining the rash. Elaine tries to sneak her file out of the doctor's office, but he catches her and takes it back. She tries other doctors, but her chart is passed on to her newer providers and they likewise refuse her treatment.

Kramer says he can get Jerry a refund on a finicky stereo that is two years out of warranty. After Jerry lets him take the stereo, Kramer smashes it and mails it to him in an insured package, intending Jerry to claim it was destroyed in transit. Jerry refuses delivery of an unexpected package with no return address, fearing it may be a bomb. Uncle Leo accepts it in his stead.

Sheila, a clerk at the photo store, flirts with George when he picks up his photos, commenting on a mustard stain that appears in one. He photographs everything, even Jerry taking a screwdriver to his stereo, as an excuse to see her again. A lingerie model's picture is accidentally mixed in with George's photos; he assumes it is a photo of Sheila she inserted as a come-on. Kramer convinces George to return the compliment with seductive pictures of himself. After George drops off the pictures to be developed, Sheila goes on break and passes the job on to her co-worker, Ron. Enticed by the photos, Ron takes his own racy photo and mixes it in with George's photos. When Sheila informs George that she can not find his photos, he assumes she kept them and asks her out. She eagerly accepts.

Kramer's plan to make the post office pay for the stereo backfires when Jerry gets caught. Newman grills him on suspicion of mail fraud. Jerry points out that he has no proof. By chance Newman sees the photo of Jerry with his stereo and confiscates George's photos as evidence, forcing Jerry to pay a fine. He also sees the racy pictures of George and Ron and accuses George of being involved in a mail-order pornography ring. Seeing Newman's blown-up photos of George and Ron, Sheila runs from George in horror.

Leo's stove explodes, singeing off his eyebrows. Elaine accompanies Leo during his doctor's visit, trying to get a diagnosis for the rash. She panics and flees when the doctor steps out, drawing a new pair of eyebrows on Leo to keep him quiet. This makes him look angry, and his doctor writes him up as "difficult". She gets Kramer to pose as the fictitious Dr. Van Nostrand and ask for her medical charts. Kramer fumbles on his cover story and a file is opened on him. After Kramer contracts Elaine's rash, Elaine, Kramer, and Leo visit a medical office in a rural location, but the doctor is alerted about them.