Vol. 7, No. 11 · 25¢ thefestivusproject.com

THE DAILY NOTHING

January 4, 1996 New York Final Edition
S07E11 · Season 7, Episode 11 of 180

The Rye

Frank brings a marble rye to dinner with the Rosses and takes it back when they don't serve it, so George hatches an elaborate plan to sneak an identical loaf into their kitchen — Kramer drives the hansom cab to keep the Rosses occupied, Jerry procures the bread by literally robbing elderly Mabel on the sidewalk, and George reels the loaf up to the third-floor window on a fishing pole when Jerry can't toss it high enough. Kramer feeds the horse Beef-a-reeno from his warehouse club haul, making it so flatulent that the Rosses cut their ride short and catch George mid-reel. Elaine's jazz saxophonist boyfriend writes a song called "Hot and Heavy" based on Jerry's description of their relationship, and after Elaine clarifies the misunderstanding, he overexerts himself in the bedroom and can't hit a note at his record-label showcase.

What's The Deal?

George's GirlfriendSusan Ross
George's JobAssistant to the traveling secretary, Yankees
Elaine's BoyfriendJohn JermaineDoesn't give her oral sex
Elaine's JobJ. Peterman Catalog
Kramer's SchemeDrives hansom cab, feeds horse Beef-a-reeno making it flatulent

The Full Story

Elaine is dating jazz saxophonist John Jermaine, but complains to Jerry that John does not give her oral sex. Jerry meets Clyde, one of John's bandmates, and describes the relationship to him as "hot and heavy". When Elaine learns of this, she becomes upset with Jerry, fearing that the phrase made her seem more invested in the relationship than John might be comfortable with. At a concert, John and his band perform a new song entitled "Hot and Heavy", embarrassing Elaine.

George's parents Frank and Estelle meet his fiancée Susan's parents for the first time at the Ross apartment. Frank brings a loaf of marble rye bread. After an uncomfortable dinner, Frank takes the rye back home because the Rosses did not serve it. Fearing this incident may create a rift between the families, George plans to sneak an identical loaf of bread into the Rosses' kitchen to create the illusion that the bread was simply misplaced. He plots to send Mr. & Mrs. Ross on a hansom cab ride (driven by Kramer, who is picking up the usual driver's mail) as a wedding anniversary present, while he and Jerry sneak in the bread. At the bakery, Mabel gets the last marble rye. After trying unsuccessfully to get it from her with bribery and appeals to sympathy, Jerry robs it from the elderly woman.

Kramer, having overbought at the warehouse club, feeds Rusty the horse "Beef-a-reeno" which makes him flatulent. Rusty farts so much the Rosses cut their cab trip short, preventing Jerry from entering the Ross apartment. After trying unsuccessfully to toss the bread up to George at the third floor window, Jerry hooks it to a fishing pole George found in the apartment. George reels the rye bread up, but the Rosses catch him.

Elaine explains to John that she never called their relationship "hot and heavy". John, however, tells her that he was happy with the idea of being "hot and heavy" with her, and offers to give her oral sex. After overexerting in the bedroom, he cannot make a note during a showcase for record producers, producing a series of off-key whistles instead. Embarrassed, Elaine leaves the show.