Vol. 9, No. 7 · 25¢ thefestivusproject.com

THE DAILY NOTHING

November 13, 1997 New York Final Edition
S09E07 · Season 9, Episode 7 of 180

The Slicer

George starts at Kruger Industrial Smoothing and immediately recognizes himself in Kruger's office beach photo from 1989, when he screamed at Kruger's sons and hurled their boombox into the ocean over a misunderstanding — he needs the photo airbrushed, but the shop removes Kruger's image instead, requiring a shirtless photo of Kruger that George obtains by arranging a skin cancer screening. Kramer buys a meat slicer to cut perfect sandwich slices, loans it to Elaine who damages the blade on a shoe heel, and when he tries to get it back she slams the door — he pulls off the doorknob, trapping her inside with a screaming cat until a locksmith arrives. Jerry dates dermatologist Sara and mocks her profession on a revenge date, only to discover she actually saves lives screening for skin cancer — meanwhile Kruger reveals he and his sons really did steal George's stuff on that beach trip, and when George furiously confesses to doctoring the photo, Kruger shrugs and keeps him employed.

What's The Deal?

Jerry's GirlfriendSara SitaridesBoasts about saving lives as a dermatologist
George's JobKruger Industrial Smoothing
George's LieDoctors a beach photo to hide that he screamed at his boss's kids and threw their boombox in the ocean
Elaine's JobJ. Peterman Catalog
Elaine's ThingTrapped in apartment by doorknob coming off
Kramer's SchemeBuys a meat slicer for perfect sandwich slices, accidentally becomes a dermatologist
References
Gerald FordStatue of LibertyPeanutsCliniqueFoghatIron ButterflyDr. Van Nostrand
Dark Turn
Kruger reveals he and his sons really did steal George's things

The Full Story

George gets a job with Kruger Industrial Smoothing. He sees himself in the background of a photo from a 1989 beach trip Kruger keeps in his office. On the trip, George returned from swimming to find all his things gone. Believing Kruger's two sons had taken them, George screamed at the boys and threw their boombox into the ocean. Moments later, he found his things in the water and concluded that they had been taken by the tide. Kruger demanded George pay for the boombox, and George evaded it by giving him a fake address. George fears he will be fired once Kruger recognizes him from the photo. Kramer suggests sneaking the photo out and getting George's image airbrushed out. However, the clerk mistakenly airbrushes out Kruger's image instead. The only way to restore Kruger's image is to get a photo of him without his shirt on (as he was in the photo).

Kramer is dissatisfied at the meat in his sandwiches, so he buys a meat slicer. Elaine cannot sleep because her neighbor forgot to turn off the alarm clock before leaving for Paris. To fix the problem, Kramer inserts a paper clip into a socket to blow her neighbor's circuit. Elaine hears constant meowing and realizes her neighbor's cat cannot eat because Kramer shut off power to its automatic feeder. Kramer uses the slicer to cut meat thin enough to slip under the door for the cat. Impressed, Elaine borrows the slicer. She slices her shoe heels to even them out, gets a piece of heel stuck in the slicer, and dings up the blade removing it. When Kramer picks it up, she slams the door before he can complain about the damage. Trying to get back in, he accidentally pulls off her doorknob, trapping her inside. To drown out the cat's meowing, Elaine turns up her stereo. She calls a locksmith to fix her door. A neighbor yells at her to turn down her stereo, before getting fed up and blowing Elaine's circuit, cutting off her call.

Jerry dates a doctor, Sara Sitarides, who irks him by boasting about saving lives. When Elaine tells him that Sara is a dermatologist, Jerry becomes indignant, not seeing how a dermatologist could save lives. At George's suggestion, Jerry takes Sara on a "revenge date" and mocks her profession. A man thanks Sara for saving his life from skin cancer. Elaine explains to Jerry that Sara goes to offices screening people for skin cancer. Hearing this, George sets up a screening at Kruger's so he can get a photo of Kruger with his shirt off.

Jerry apologizes to Sara to get her to agree to do the cancer screening at Kruger, and she condescendingly pats his cheek. Jerry gets hives on his jaw. Kramer suggests Sara gave it to him when she patted his cheek as revenge. Jerry goes to the screening and accuses Sara. She storms out. Seeing Kramer in a white butcher's coat (for using his slicer), Kruger mistakes him for the doctor. At George's urging, Kramer accordingly takes Sara's place. He takes a photo of Kruger, but finds a mole on Kruger's shoulder.

George gets the photo fixed and Kramer gets into dermatology. While flipping through Kramer's medical book, Jerry learns hives can be caused by benzene, commonly used in metal cleaner. Kramer had been using Jerry's hand towel with metal cleaner to clean his slicer, and gave him hives. Jerry sees another dermatologist who prescribes aloe for his hives. George suggests Kruger see a dermatologist about his mole, but Kruger reasons that because the mole looks the same in the 1989 photo, it cannot be harmful. Kruger then recounts to George that on the day of the photo, he and his sons took his things and threw them into the ocean. Enraged, George boasts about how he removed himself from the photo. Kruger is surprised but indifferent to George's deception, and keeps him as an employee.

Kramer, George and Jerry camp outside Elaine's apartment, feeding her under the door until the locksmith arrives.